One of my all time favorite Holes story to tell is about a time we were playing down in Kent. The basement of JB's. I think it was cleverly called JB's Down. The stage was built of plywood, and there was about a 2 foot clearance underneath. A few bed sheets along the backside hung about 5 feet out from the backwall. The space that existed there was 'the band room'. Just as we went on to play, I squatted atop a nearly empty pitcher of beer and shit and pissed into it. There wasn't much.....just a quick runny turd. Les had already pushed through the sheets and made his stage appearance. He was babbling into the microphone about something or another. I pulled up my pants, grabbed the pitcher of disgust, and joined him on stage. I placed it near his feet, without him noticing, and we proceeded to play. Much to my sadness, he kicked it over during the first song without ever realizing what was in it. I was hoping he would have put it to his lips. There the pitcher layed, dripping down between some cracks in the stage. But then it all worked out. As we played our last song, Les went into the crowd, then climbed underneath the front of the stage through the small crawl space. He soaked up into his clothing everything that pitcher had spilled. As the rest of us left the stage through the back and joined him behind the sheets, he kept asking,"hey, do i smell like shit? hey Bobby, do i smell like shit?". It was a few days before I would tell him the reason.
There was the Pink Holes gig where Cheese Borger paused to eat a dozen whole, raw eggs on stage. Cheese started picking eggs out of the carton and popping them into his mouth and crunching on the shells, bits of shell and egg slime running out his mouth and down his neck. After about four or five, Cheese stopped swallowing them and filled his maw with about six or seven crunched-up eggs. I guessed what would happen next and backed away. Sure enough, Cheese spewed the giant mouthful of egg detritus on the crowd. It looked exactly like he vomited. I was thoroughly nauseated.
I Have about five funny cop stories.
This was the first. It was a St. Paddys day and I had spent it with Tom Fallon and Dave Atkins at Otto Mosers. After reveling there throughout the daylight hours, Dave drove us down to Kent where we were going to catch the Wombats play. We parked near the club and sat in the car finishing up some beers. I got out to take a piss and wandered down some alley. The alley ran next to a three story factory building and while I walked deeper into the alley, some fire escape metal ladders caught my eye. I climbed them to the top of the factory with the brilliant drunken idea of pissing off the top down upon Daves car. I thought that would crack them guys up. But as I stood upon the edge of the rooftop, a beat cop looked up and saw me. I tried to hide but he came up with a shotgun and then hauled me in. Those guys made it to the show and did call the jail from there, but it was 75 bucks to get me out and they didn't have it. I told them I would just sleep there and Dave promised he would pick me up the next morning with the money (which he did....great guy!). A few hours later, as I laid in the cells bed, an officer came to the bars. "Got a message for you" he said. I figured someone had sprang me. He handed me the note and all it said was "don't forget that Pink Holes practice is at 7 tomorrow". Les had found out I was in there and he had actually called the jail and told them that. Just as unbelievable to me was that the cops would actually deliver the message. I can't remember if we practiced or not.
One of my favorite Pink Hole memories (other than Mary Ellen Rottencrotch): The Pink Holes were playing at the old Cleveland Underground in the Flats. Me and my brother went down with a couple friends. Of course we were drinking on the way down and in the parking lot. So by the time we went in we were pretty "juiced." I think Mr. Chris and the Tar Babies played first. So after Mr. Chris played we went back out to the car to wait for the next band and have few more drinks. When were going back in the cop at the door stopped my brother whom he noticed was trying to sneak in a can of beer. My brother got kicked out for the rest of the evening. So me and my brother were out by the car. I told him "wait 'til the cop is gone and then go back in". Sure enough the cop left and we walked right in without a hitch. Just in time for the Pink Holes. During the first few Holes songs my brother threw a half full can of beer (which he'd probably snuck in) at the band that hit Lester right in the fore head with stinging accuracy. I'm sure Les had a welt the next day! Now pissed off, Les cut loose at the crowd: "YOU GUYS ARE A BUNCH OF FUCKIN' ASSHOLES!!? and my favorite "CLEVELAND'S NOTHING BUT A BIG LIT UP DICK!!" I still use that one. Which prompted the audience to throw more cans. The beer can shower continued the rest of the show. With Holes retaliating periodically. By the end of the set there was a steady flow of cans towards and from the stage. After their last song the Holes came back out with a couple trays full of cans and bombed the audience with one last assault. The funny thing is my brother started the whole thing, and he shouldn't have even been in there.
Another cop story My mom used to make great Halloween costumes when we were growing up. One that she had sewn up was a pair of black and white striped prisoner outfits, complete with a number across the chest. I used to wear one of the shirts a lot when we played out. And so it was the night that this happened. We were to play the Lakefront and Les and me, along with Tim Shaw and Larry Lewis, pulled up alongside the club to unload equipment. We were all drinking beers and as we started to haul the gear in we all set our beers on top of the car. Two plainclothes police pulled up in an unmarked car and arrested the four of us for open containers. They took us downtown to be booked. When they got to me, there was quite a chuckle in the processing area......the cops kept bringing over more cops saying, "look at this guy, he came dressed for the occasion". The law does have a sense of humor!
The turd story goes like this; Me and Bobo Sablack and Bill Degidio were watching "American Werewolf in London" at Bills house one night. Also watching was Bills daughter Alicia who was about 5 or 6 and his son Kurt, who had to be about 3. He was just learning to talk. Anyway, Bills wife Barb got up to go to the kitchen for something when all of the sudden she let out this scream. "Oh my god, is that a turd?" she yelled. We all looked. Lying next to the pajama leg of Kurts 1 piece batman PJs was, indeed, a little turd. Apparently it rolled down his leg and was sitting next to him for the entire movie. "Oh my god" Barb yelled. As she got a paper towel to pick it up and throw it away, Kurt started screaming himself. "Noooo" he cried. "It's latching TV". He said L's instead of W's. I guess his little turd buddy wanted to see how the movie ended. We all laughed till we cried. Shortly after that, when it came time to pick names, I was originally going to go with Leo Tard, after WMMS' Kid Leo, but the Tard turned into Turd and we had to give credit where credit was due, and Kurt Turd was born.
When I first left Clevo for the country married life, the bands in the underground scene were Hammer Damage, Lucky Pierre, Devo, Dead Boys, Chi Pig, etc. When I returned from my failed stint at the country life marriage, the bands now were Faith Academy, the Plague, Starvation Army and the Pink Holes. Some of my old friends from the 'burbs had never made the transition from classic rock to cool music, so I took it upon myself to enlighten them. I didn't want to scare them or blow their eardrums to holy hell, so I settled upon the Pink Holes to blow their punk rock cherries. We showed up hammered as the Holes were preparing themselves to take the stage. Thinking I could impress my old buds, I took them backstage to meet the Holes. There was Les and Cheese, with broken beer bottles, cutting their arms and chests into bloody road maps. Meanwhile, Kurt Turd hunched over in the near corner, insanely laughed. My mission of enlightenment was over even before the Holes had taken stage. My friends hightailed it back to Parma and it would be years before we hung out again. Personally, the Holes blew me away...pure punk rock. It takes true dedication to the arts to turn yourself into chopped liver for a crowd of about thirty. They were the real deal, I never missed a Holes show after that (not counting their out of town gigs). On a lighter note, that night during the Holes set, there was a power failure. During the black out, I seized the oppurtunity to grab Joyce's hot friend, Sherri, and plant a big kiss on her. She responded nicely, thinking I was someone else. When the lights came back on, she freaked. Some people say if you are standing on W.25th late at night, you can still hear her scream.
'member that one time when i was in your band.... and you guys kicked me out.... that was awsome.
Aaah, The Pink Holes, I'll always hold the memories of going to see the Pink Holes perform dear to my heart. Les unable to sing the songs or mumble through them, Cheese's stage antics, not to mention his split knee jumps. I was always amazed at how this band communicated so well with the wild crowd and welcomed audience participation.
I remember one show, not sure where or when, maybe about 10 years ago, me and my best friend (who was dating Cheese at the time) went to their show, a couple of other bands played first, we stood in the back, sitting on a table. I can remember sitting there one second and the next, there was a loud thump as the table came crashing down. I jumped off the table right before it hit the floor and watched as my best friend sat there by herself on the floor, still on the table. Me and the whole place was staring at her, it even caught the bands attention, they stopped playing in the middle of their song to see what the commotion was. Needless to say, she was mortified and I was laughing my ass off. And as always, it was a great show.
Here's a good one.....It was during the time when my best friend was still dating Cheese, and we use to go to his apartment a lot,(which is probably a crack house now) well, we ended up crashing at his place one night, them in the bedroom, me on the living room couch... about a few weeks later, Cheese approaches his girlfriend with his phone bill and asks her (not sure of his exact words) "who in the fuck made all these 1-976 numbers on my phone? Love/Sex calls, horoscope calls?" She asked me about it and I flat out denied it. Throughout the years it's always been a joke between me, her and Cheese. That night, they probably screwed and supposedly, I sat on Cheese's phone all night talking to a voice wishing to get screwed or trying to find out if it's in my stars when I will get screwed.... and then there's Cheese, who later really got screwed with an outrageous phone bill. I still don't know who placed the calls Cheese, honestly, I don't remember, it's been so long! (just like the times you don't remember me knocking on your door) All I wanted was a cigarette!!
That's okay though, because I remember another time when me and Rob came to visit you and you gave us this disgusting painting that was made of ketchup, noodles, and all sorts of food, we took it because we felt PRESSURED into taking it and you found it sitting on the side of a road the next day! ha ha ha...!
I had traveled to Boston with my brother's band The Pink Holes where they enjoyed a reputable following. It was a calm afternoon but had rained that morning leaving puddles. Walking along the street Les spots a little old lady ambling along. He sights her up and at the right time charges down the sidewalk, launches himself in the air and comes splashing down besides her. She's soaked. Man, I thought I was punk but somebodies Nana, shit.